CHAPTER 1 "I Can''t, I''m Too Scared" UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN''S FEARS AND WORRIES From the children: When I was little my mom worked the "graveyard shift" at the hospital. Every night I was so worried that meant she was going to die and I''d never see her again. When people tell me to lighten up, that things aren''t so bad, it makes me feel much worse. They must think I actually like being this way. Views from parents: It is very hard to see my daughter in pain and so scared. Before we got treatment, I felt there was nothing I could do to alleviate her pain. I felt so helpless, being the parent and not knowing what to do; that was the worst feeling. Teachers think I''m nuts because my daughter is picture perfect at school.

She''s the model student--never a problem. But at home she totally falls apart, her anxiety is so intense, it makes normal life impossible for us. I wish they could see her at home so they would understand what I''m talking about. Anxiety in Children: Too Much of a Good Thing? "Don''t run into the street, stop climbing on that, careful, that will break." These are words that most parents have to say over and over again, but that most parents of anxious children will probably never have to utter. In fact, parents may find themselves kept in check by their worrying child-- "Did you lock the door? Is the gas tank full? Did you send in the permission slip?" Though it can often be confusing or frustrating to parents that their child must feel every wrinkle in the day and race ahead to prepare for every eventuality, we must understand that anxious kids are just doing what their brain tells them to do. Anxious children are highly cautious, overcorrecting for the possibility of danger. In fact their wiring has them seeing danger when it''s not there.

Born with a mind that casts tall, scary shadows on ordinary things, they spend their days enduring great distress over things that their peers don''t even notice. Anxious kids may recognize that they are different, but they don''t know why, assuming that this is just how they are. Because we don''t see things as anxious kids do, we may be impatient, judgmental, and perhaps even overprotective, but not necessarily effective. The more that we can understand about what our children are seeing and feeling when they are anxious, distortions and all, the more we can empathize. If we don''t empathize, we lose our audience. They won''t stick around for the lesson, because they think you don''t understand the problem in the first place. Children''s fears are a source of concern, distress, and even embarrassment for parents. When it''s their child who is hiding in the corner at the birthday party, in tears at the school play, or unable to go on the school camping trip, parents are stuck.

Rather than getting mobilized to help, parents often feel an urgent need to find the "off" button for those fears to simply stop. What fuels that concern further are two thoughts: first, "this shouldn''t be happening, my child shouldn''t be afraid," and second, "I don''t know how to fix it." It is this two-part punch that fear delivers to parents, immobilizing their helpfulness response and leaving both them and their kids at a loss--or more often in a "you should," "I can''t" contest of wills. This chapter introduces the concept of fear--how it functions as an essential safeguard for survival. Fears and worries can help children put the brakes on in situations with which they are unfamiliar. Rather than hurling yourself into a swimming pool when you don''t know how to swim, a good dose of fearful "what if?" can keep a healthy degree of caution in the picture until that is no longer needed. In addition, this chapter explores the differences between normal fears and anxieties, and takes an inside look at how anxiety shapes a child''s experience. Finally, it presents different models for how fears and anxieties develop, exploring the influence of such factors as genetics, temperament, and experience.

The bottom line is that children come by fears honestly. The more parents understand that fear is nothing for them to fear, the more they can be instrumental in helping kids out of these glitches. Fear: A Normal and Necessary Part of Life Fear is a necessary function for our survival. Because our natural inclination is toward growth and development, we would not survive as a species if it were not for our ability to hold back and appraise and avoid danger. It is a protective mechanism and a normal part of development. The focus of anxiety changes for children over time as their world broadens and they encounter new experiences that they have not yet mastered. Babies are afraid of a loss of support and loud noises, toddlers who are learning to run away themselves are afraid of separation and things bigger than themselves, and young children are afraid of the results of their emerging imagination, especially at night--monsters, burglars, and other bad guys. Adolescents fear social scrutiny and begin to look beyond themselves to the world community and such abstract issues of safety as war, and success in the future.

Fear can be considered the emotional response that occurs in the interim between confronting a new situation and actually mastering it. In the same way that adults may be fearful of a new piece of technology until we have figured out how it works--and may entertain unrealistic scenarios of blowing up the computer by pushing the wrong button--kids'' fears and anxieties are fueled by an active imagination trying to piece together an explanation for how the world works. A little information goes a long way. A four-year-old at the aquarium is afraid when she hears that she''s going to see the sharks because she is old enough to learn that sharks are dangerous, but not old enough to understand that she will watch safely from outside the tank. An eight-year-old is beginning to understand about germs and disease but can''t yet grasp how unlikely it would be to get sick just from engaging in normal activities. Temporary fears are part of life. Anxiety is the tense emotional state that occurs when you can''t predict the outcome of a situation or guarantee that it will be the desired one. Even in the best circumstances children experience some worry.

Anxiety becomes a disorder when a child automatically exaggerates risks and underestimates the ability to cope with a given situation. Anxiety is debilitating to children, causing not only chronic fatigue and other physical complaints, but also decreased academic functioning and even school attendance, and strained peer and family relations. Typical Developmental Sequence of Fears in Children Infancy: In response to a growing ability to differentiate familiar faces (parents) from unfamiliar faces, stranger anxiety (clinging and crying when a stranger approaches) develops around 7 to 9 months and typically resolves by end of first year. Early Childhood: As a healthy attachment to parents grows, separation anxiety (crying, sadness, fear of desertion upon separation) emerges around one year of age and improves over the next three years, resolving in most children by the end of kindergarten. As children''s worlds expand, they may fear new and unfamiliar situations and real and imagined dangers from such things as big dogs, spiders, or monsters. Elementary School: With access to new information, children begin to fear real-world dangers--fire, burglars, storms, illness, drugs. With experience, they learn that these risks can exist as remote rather than imminent dangers. Middle School: Growing importance of social status leads to social comparisons and worries about social acceptance.

Concerns about academic and athletic performance and social-group identification are normal. High School: Teenagers continue to be focused on social acceptance, but with a greater concern for finding a group that reflects their chosen identities. Concerns about the larger world, moral issues, and their future success are common. Who Is the Anxious Child? Anxiety has many faces. Some children appear visibly stressed, others keep their anxiety under cover and worry silently, still others are angry-anxious kids, reacting to their limitations with frustration. Demographically speaking, prevalence rates range from 5.7 to 17 percent of all children.1 Rates of anxiety disorders tend to increase slightly with age; however, most studies of anxiety disorders draw from a sample of children over seven years old, so the prevalence of anxiety disorders in very young children is unclear.

Girls tend to be diagnosed with anxiety disorders more often than boys, though more boys may be brought to treatment, as the outward signs of anxious behavior--crying, shying away, overt distress--may be less socially acceptable in boys than girls. The consensus across numerous studies of anxious children is that the majority of them have more than one anxiety disorder occurring at the same time, which is referred to as "co morbid." If left untreated, anxiety symptoms become more disabling over time, and the course is considered to be chronic with fluctuations across the lifespan. Though children with anxiety disorders are as impaired as children with disruptive disorders, they will often stay below the radar of the adults around them and go undiagnosed because their symptoms don''t interfere in the classroom, but rather are internalized. The seriousness of anxiety.