You are holding in your hands the key to peaceful coparent communication. Since 2007, we have taught approximately half a million people the BIFF communication method through our books and seminars. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. So many people tell us that they have shared this method with others, so there may be about a million people using this method today. You are in good company. The more people that use this method, the more peaceful the world will be. We are very excited and pleased that you have chosen to learn the BIFF method of coparent communication. We believe it will make your life easier and less stressed, even when being attacked, accused, or misinformed in writing by a coparent--or anyone! BIFF communications are simple but take practice.

By the time you are done reading this book and its examples, you may be able to write BIFF communications in your sleep! It's NOT All Your Fault! You know that coparenting is a unique and fascinating and often frustrating relationship. Even when parents are still a couple, it can be fraught with hurt and blame. But between separated parents, it can become a minefield for fear, anger, and bullying. Trying to coparent with someone who is hurt and vengeful can result in communications that don't benefit and in fact hurt your child. Hearing things like "This is all YOUR fault" or "You're a disgrace and a terrible parent" have long-lasting detrimental effects. They make you, a parent, feel worthless and less than adequate. Even if someone thinks they can handle verbal abuse, long-term damage is done to a relationship if verbal communications aren't improved. Fortunately, there are things you can do on your own that will help your communications with a coparent who may be (putting it mildly) a very poor communicator.

However, the BIFF method of communicating will help you with any coparent, including a reasonable one. BIFF helps you stay reasonable most of the time regardless of how your coparent communicates. Learning not to take things personally is perhaps the best skill you can develop as a coparent. Problems that arise are not (necessarily) about you, no matter what you are accused of. If you know you're doing your best in a given situation, then you can be more confident that accusations made against you are not about you! Most of us have said something accusatory or mean when we've lost it with our coparent. We can work to make sure those attacks don't happen too often. Some people communicate in bullying or angry ways often, or exclusively. The first and best way to deal with those angry communicators are to know that the personal attacks are not about you.

They are about the blamer's inability to communicate, to control himself, and to solve problems.