We can't get enough of doomed lovers separated by betrayal, taboo and violence - as long as they stay on the screen or the page. In our own beds we want the Hollywood ending. And it's no Secret - we can have it if we just believe in it. Attract it. Buy the book. Get the Botox. Do the yoga. Chant the mantra.

Join the gym and get the threads. We can all be Brangelina. Despite the hype, marriages are tumbling like a proverbial rock fall. Rocketing divorce statistics tell us that while people may believe in love more than ever, they give up on it more easily. Love, it seems, has become an extreme endurance sport. Women claimed their equality, their status in the job market, read a heap of self-help literature and now they're going, 'Stay in a so-so relationship? I don't think so.' There's been a spurt in the evolution of intimacy, one that couples, for the most part, are struggling to adapt to. We crave intimacy, but we've come to the conclusion that: men can't do intimacy unless it involves sex why don't women understand that sex is intimacy? I'll never find the right guy/girl There's no such thing as the right guy/girl All men are assholes All women screw you for every cent on divorce No one is good enough for me I'm not good enough for anyone Staying in an unhappy relationship is better than being alone I'm only staying for the kids There's no such thing as lasting passion Monogamy kills passion Parenthood kills passion It's too bloody hard, I'm thinking of getting a cat - at least they clean themselves and don't leave the seat up.

If love were an investment, we'd demand our money back, cancel our subscription and invest in some shares in Bitter-And-Twisted Inc. Welcome to the Intimacy Complaints Department, where we've heard it all before.