Preface It''s going to be okay. Soon enough, we''ll have some bold things to say to you. But we want to start this book with a gentle, reassuring whisper. And what we want to whisper is this: It''s going to be okay. If you''ve gone to the trouble to pick up (or download) this book called Starting Over: Your Life Beyond Regrets, then we''re pretty sure it''s because an incident, or a series of incidents, is weighing on you and you''re unhappy. Something went on in your past that hurts every time you think of it. The idea of starting over sounds incredibly desirable to you, but you''re not sure it''s possible in your case. And do you want to risk the possibility of more disappointment, more heartache? If you''re feeling this way, we''re sorry.

And we want you to know it''s going to be okay. While you''re going through your painful regret experience, you''re far from alone. Researchers say that children as young as nine express regret. Everybody you know who is out of grade school with developed mental faculties has experienced regret and is probably experiencing some of it right now. Regret is an unavoidable consequence of living in this world. Not surprisingly, the human race has learned a lesson or two about regret along the way. Sages have opined about it. Older generations have passed down wisdom to younger generations on this topic.

Artists have produced arresting portrayals of regret. Psychologists have investigated it clinically. The Bible teaches about it directly and indirectly in countless ways. And now we offer you Starting Over. Here, you''ll find a clear and practical synthesis of the most important truths that Scripture, science, and story can teach us about beginning again after we''ve made a mistake or something has gone wrong in our lives. If there''s a formula for returning the dawn to our lives, this is it. The two of us are brothers, and we wrote every bit of this book together. But just so you know, starting with chapter 1, we''ll be writing from the perspective of "I," referring to Dave.

That''s merely for the sake of simplicity. Both of us are speaking to you all the way through. We are pastors who have not only endured our own regrets, as you have, but have also listened to literally thousands of people tell us about their regrets. An old phrase describes pastors as those who have "the cure of souls" in their care. We have a God-given burden to help the members of our church find the cure for the aches within them. What we''ve learned from helping them to start over, and starting over ourselves, we now want to share with you via the pages of this book. So right now we''re asking, trust us just a little. Enough to keep reading to see if we can teach you something that will help you start over.

Ignore your fear, silence your doubt, and place a bet on the hope you have within you that maybe, just maybe, life can begin anew for you. The fact is, starting over is not an out-of-reach dream. It''s the way to live your life beyond regrets. Chapter 1 - The Sorry Cycle Check out these regrets anonymously posted online: * I regret marrying my husband three weeks ago. I should have called it off before I walked down the aisle. I am twenty-three and just haven''t had the time to learn to love myself yet. * My biggest regret, one that plagues me in my waking moments and some sleeping moments, is that when I was given the opportunity to go to USC for screenwriting I didn''t take the chance. * I regret not telling people how he hurt me.

Now, if he is hurting other people, it''s my fault. This stuff is gut wrenching. And oh so familiar. Regret is a universal emotion. We all make wrong or foolish choices, or something or someone does something hurtful to us, and we regret it. Sometimes we even start regretting a decision before we make it--because we''re so sure the consequences are going to disappoint us! Some people have bigger regrets or dwell on their regrets more than others do, but everybody has them. So don''t feel alone if you look back on some episodes of embarrassing boneheadedness or epic nastiness in your past and wish you could do it again differently. I wrote this book to help you and many others deal with regrets and start over again.

I wrote it for those of us who have ruined relationships, lost jobs, or failed when given golden opportunities. It is for us if we have spent a night in jail, rejected good advice, or hurt somebody we cared about. This is a book for all of us who have regrets of any type burdening our souls and aren''t sure how to face the future. Truthfully, it''s for every one of us. I bet your mind is already simmering with thoughts of your own regrets. They might be minor regrets that you can dismiss from your head whenever you want or major regrets that are painful and crippling and ever present to you. Maybe you even have a mega regret that you try to suppress beneath the surface of your consciousness. It feels like holding down an underwater volcano, doesn''t it? Exhausting.

Whatever the magnitude of your regret, and whatever the cause, I have a word of hope for you: This is not the end. You don''t have to stay stuck in regret. Diagnosis: Regret Paralysis Let me tell you how I came to write this book. It started with an observation Jon and I made shortly after the release of our previous book, Finding Your Way Back to God. In that book we described a series of five awakenings that people go through if they feel they have become distant from God and are finding their way back. 1. Awakening to longing --"There''s got to be more." 2.

Awakening to regret --"I wish I could start over." 3. Awakening to help --"I can''t do this on my own." 4. Awakening to love --"God loves me deeply after all." 5. Awakening to life --"Now this is living!" In our conversations with people who had read the book, we were pleased that what we had written resonated with so many people. But we noticed something curious: many of the people we talked to experienced the Awakening to Regret but then got stuck there.

For example, one woman in her midthirties told us, "I wish I could startover after my divorce--I really do. But you have no idea how the breakup has affected the way I feel about myself. How lonely I am. What big financial trouble I''m in today. Not to mention the loss of my hopes for having children, which was my biggest dream. Honestly, I don''t really see God as caring about me or having anything much good left for me." Jon and I can''t remember which of us first coined the term, but somewhere along the way we started using the phrase Sorry Cycle to describe what people meant when they said things like this. They were sorry about what happened and felt sorry for themselves, but they just couldn''t seem to get beyond that.

Essentially they were going from longing to regret, back to longing then regret, in an endless cycle of repetition. They were stuck in their regrets. Paralyzed. And miserable because of it. Divorce, abuse, addiction, bankruptcy, the loss of dreams, and other experiences that people go through can be terrible. It''s easy to see why so many of us get trapped in sorrow and regret. But getting stuck like this only makes a situation worse. And so we have to be honest about what''s really happening here--we have to admit there''s a Sorry Cycle in operation.

Psychologists have a term for getting stuck in useless regret: rumination . Like a cow chewing its cud, we go over and over our regrets in our mind. That''s the Sorry Cycle, and it''s destructive. Clinical psychologist Melanie Greenberg, in an article called "The Psychology of Regret," says: Regret can have damaging effects on mind and body when it turns into fruitless rumination and self-blame that keeps people from re-engaging with life. This pattern of repetitive, negative, self-focused ruminative thinking is characteristic of depression and may be a cause of this mental health problem as well. Regret can result in chronic stress, negatively affecting hormonal and immune system functioning. Regret impedes the ability to recover from stressful life events by extending their emotional reach for months, years, or lifetimes. Going round and round in the Sorry Cycle is harmful to our minds and bodies--and I would add our souls to that list too.

Furthermore, as we function poorly, the people around us, including our spouses, kids, friends, and coworkers, are forced to deal with a severely damaged person. In a sense, we take them along with us for a ride in the Sorry Cycle. Sometimes we think that if we try to ignore our regrets they''ll shrink over time--or better yet, go away. The opposite is true. Regrets tend to grow over time. And so do their costs. If I neglect my marriage for one month, for example, that is regrettable. But if I neglect it for ten years, the damage will be immeasurably greater.

And then there are the opportunity costs. Can you imagine the benefits you aren''t enjoying because you haven''t gotten over the failure of your business venture, the ruptur.