1 kane I knew this time it was my rib that had cracked. Each inhale sent the mismatched shards straining from one another and pain radiating into the pummeled muscles of my back. Sitting up was marginally less painful, and I sucked in a slow, bracing breath. The scent of pine and blood filled my nostrils. When I blinked my eyes open, they raked down the cascading wall of solid, glinting ice that I''d plunged from-its peak still hidden behind thick white clouds, the smooth face marred only by the cracks and dents where I''d jammed my fists and feet, unsuccessfully attempting an ascent. First you failed them. Then you failed her. Now you''re failing again.
Anguish pierced my heart anew. Fresher, every fucking day. Wasn''t grief supposed to dull with time? I stood, chest still constricting with two very different types of pain, and brushed snow and dirt from my backside. The motion aggravated deep scrapes along my palms. Whatever protective ward the White Crow had cast around his home atop that glacial mountain was inhibiting all aspects of my lighte-barring me from shifting into my dragon form, halting my accelerated Fae healing . I trudged through near-blinding white back in the direction of the town at the base of the mountain. I''d only made it a few feet when the bruises, scrapes, and blisters across my body began to fade. My toe cut across the snow, demarking where the ward appeared to end.
I winced with the movement. The rib was going to take longer to heal. If I were smart, or patient, I''d retreat down to town, get a room at the unsavory, sleet-coated inn, and lie still in devastating silence until I recovered. But I wasn''t smart. I wasn''t patient. And I didn''t mind the pain. I was so cold these days it was almost preferable, feeling something ache inside my bones. Pressing my palm to the radiating volleys of pain in my side, I appraised the ice-cold mountain range for the hundredth time.
Beyond bare ponderosa branches thick with hoarfrost, and snow prints from hares and caribou, that towering rise of jagged hunches rose and rose and rose, gobbling up the skyline. "You planning to become a dragon and fly at it again?" a crotchety old voice called from behind me. "That almost worked." Gods damn it. "No," I growled. And that hadn''t almost worked. It had only gotten me high enough into the air to spy the tiny stone cottage that topped the peak, observe the elderly sorcerer tending to a flourishing root vegetable garden, and then, as soon as I flew for him and through his wards, shift against my will midair and plummet to the ground. That fall had yielded me one crushed kneecap, a concussion, and two dislocated shoulders.
None of which had rivaled the experience of waiting days for my knocked-out teeth to grow back-nothing humbles a man quite like teething in adulthood. My body shattering against packed snow hadn''t been all bad. In some ways, I''d welcomed the pain. It allowed me to feel what Arwen had felt-that same gruesome powerlessness. Sailing through the air, instincts screaming at me to fly despite my brain''s roaring that I couldn''t- "You''re not going to die." That''s what I had told her. A grimace twisted my face at the memory. So I''d tried again the next day.
And the next. The second time I fell out of my dragon form, I''d broken my back in two places, and lost the use of my legs. I''d lain there for half a day, inside the White Crow''s wards, unable to heal, unable to move, until this mouth breather had stumbled across my prone form and, upon my very clear instructions, dragged me back toward town until a tingling in my calves told me I''d started to heal. I appraised him now as he stood expectantly with that yoke across his shoulders. The wrinkly, crumpled do-gooder was named Len and had a long face and thin lips that he used to smile far more often than necessary. A dishwasher in the town''s only tavern, Len climbed up the hill for fresh water from the well each morning, and once told me he was all too used to seeing sorry assholes like myself up here, trying and failing to reach the White Crow. "Don''t beat yourself up," Len said, eyes crinkling. "It''s a feat when someone can even track the old nutter down.
" Pressing against my aching, splintered rib, I cut a glance at him. "On your way now, Len." The older man raised his hands in mock surrender. "All right, all right. Come down to the tavern if you need to refuel." "Will do." But I wouldn''t. "Fuck.
" I grunted, sliding down the face of the mountain, hands clawing for purchase against the rocks I''d driven into the smooth ice to serve as handholds. My chest slammed into one and I spasmed for air, landing hard against the snow. Through my blurred vision, I watched several brown rabbits scatter for the powdery brush. "You''re going to kill yourself before you do whatever you came here to." "Why are you always here?" I croaked to Len through a mouthful of ice. "This is where the damn well is!" I craned my neck. Len gestured at the water source, yoke balanced across his back, twin pails spilling water from either shoulder. "Help me bring these down the mountain and I''ll buy you a pint.
" "There isn''t time," I said, ragged, bearded cheek growing numb in the slush. It had been months. If Lazarus had destroyed the blade already . then actually I''d have nothing but time. A miserable, aching eternity. I swallowed a dry heave at the thought and sucked in more frigid air, rolling onto my back with a groan. Don''t think like that. That sick, wounded yearning took root in my chest as it always did when her voice resonated in my head.
Like bells. Like sweet music. Arwen would tell me that I couldn''t know anything for sure until I made it to Lumera and found out for myself. And I couldn''t do that, couldn''t confront my father until I, too, was full-blooded and had a chance of destroying him. Which was why I had to get up the fucking mountain. Up there-where the impenetrable clouds met an icy summit. I squinted. If there had been a sun to see, it would have sunk behind those peaks hours ago.
I could tell by the dim, cerulean light dulling the snow, and the cold seeping into my bones. In the first days of my journey to the Pearl Mountains, a few residents told me I''d just missed the bright, clear-skied summer. It was cold year-round in the floating kingdom-something about the altitude, or the magic that kept the city hovering among the clouds-but it was especially brutal in both fall and winter months, when there were fewer than six hours of daylight and near-nonstop snowfall. It was even worse here in Vorst, the region that served as home to the White Crow. Meanwhile, Shadowhold was probably just reaching the tail end of autumn, the Shadow Woods likely replete with toadstools and blackberries. Another swift kick to the gut. That''s what thinking of my keep felt like these days. Not because of how much I missed my people, or Griffin or Acorn.
Not because I longed for the comforts of lilac soap and whiskey and cloverbread. But because even if this treacherous, frostbitten climb was possible, even if I reached the White Crow, convinced him to turn me full-blooded, stomached whatever anguish that might entail, and somehow still arrived in one piece back to my shadowed, familiar castle . Arwen wouldn''t be there. Her books, filled with flattened petals, unopened. The side of my bed I''d so foolishly hoped would be hers, eternally cold. I''d never hear that peal of laughter again, nor smell her orange blossom skin. I''d watch my home become a crypt. I rolled over, burying my face in the snow, and roared until flames ran through my lungs.
Until tears burned at my eyes and my chest rippled against the ground, the agony, shredding me, the guilt, the untenable sorrow- "Stones alive," Len breathed. "You need a break." "No," I grumbled, spitting ice and pushing myself up from the ground. "It helps. I''m fine." "It''s almost nightfall. You can''t scale a mountain of ice in the dark with a broken rib and a punctured lung. Are you trying to die, boy?" I''d asked myself that same question so many times I''d lost count.
"Depends on the day." Len offered me a flat expression. "One pint, a hot meal, and you''ll be back to falling off the mountain again by sunrise." Perhaps he was right. I was slinking dangerously close to that tipping point. The one wherein my own death was looking just a bit too attractive. Where I''d either join her or stop having to live each despicable day without her. But then her sacrifice would have been for nothing and that-that I couldn''t allow.
In life, or in death. Dry wind bit at my skin as I limped toward Len with a grunt. Alarm erupted on his face as I drew near, but I only lifted the pails from his shoulders and moved past him, prowling down the mountainside. Len''s sigh of relief was audible as he stomped through the snow after me. Vorst was barely a town. It was barely a village. That aforementioned seedy inn, a nearly bare general store, a temple, and Len''s quiet stone tavern were all it had to offer. Populated only by those passing through, solitary lifelong merchants like Len, and the rare scholar or pr.