What's wrong with Europe? Ignoring the fact that the EU is a grotesque, officious money sucking totalitarian machine that devours national sovereignty and pukes out unwanted, unwelcome and intrusive legislation, there's a whole variety of other reasons including: Shops that open at 10am and close at 4pm - with a two-hour lunch break in between. Oompah bands. Restaurant staff with the manners of a gibbon and the sense of urgency of a sloth. Parisians. Police forces who are the bastard offspring of the Gestapo and the Stasi. The whole concept of 'ma ana. 'National costumes that are as preposterous as they are pointless. Polish spelling.

Drivers who view speed limits as targets rather than warnings. Yodelling. Bouzouki music. Street signs that are a homage to small typography rather than an actual guide to your location. Donkey abuse. Women who act under the misguided idea that armpit hair is remotely sexy. The 24hr clock. Using a comma as a decimal point.

Father Abraham and the Smurfs. Eurodisco. Eurozone. Eurotrash. Eurovision. Anything else preceded by the word 'Euro' (apart from Euro sceptic). The Cheeky Girls. This is less of a guidebook and more of a warning.