From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Listen you tight-fisted pea-brained grouse-shooting tweedy twat, you may own half the fucking countryside but you don''t own me. You think I like hounding you? You think this is fun for me? But if you think I''m just going to lie back and let you screw me over like you no doubt screw over everyone who comes into your entitled orbit of damp lolling spaniels, vintage Land Rovers and Eton-induced PTSD then you''ve got another think coming. DO THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE IN YOUR BADGER-BAITING FOX-SLAUGHTERING LIFE. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Hi.
You might want to double-check the recipient address. Far as I know, I''ve never owned a Land Rover & have definitely never been to Eton (don''t have the right equipment). Or is this a fiendishly creative scam & you''re using my response to embed malware? If so, you got me. Enjoy! From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Gawd. I''m so bloody sorry. Using a new account and mis-copied the address.
Angry fingers. Thanks for replying and letting me know. Sorry you had to read that, whoever you are. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? TBH almost didn''t reply, but that was some impressive Malcolm Tucker-grade cursing you did there, & I was intrigued. Did the intended recipient kill your cat or something? From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.
com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Worse. Didn''t pay me for work owed. That''s the toned-down version believe it or not. Took out all the "C" words at the last minute. There were a lot of those. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? What kind of work? You don''t have to answer obvs, I''m killing time.
Don''t usually strike up conversations with complete strangers I swear! From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? You deserve an answer-I did unintentionally call you a twat. I''m a freelance editor and my tweedy arse of a client commissioned me to edit his novel. Ended up rewriting the thing, pretty much from scratch. Sent it to him 2 months ago. No feedback. No payment.
Nada. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Very sorry to hear that. What was the novel about? The Girl in the Grouse Shoot? From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? HA! Close! You really want to know? From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.
com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Sure. You''ll be saving me from the perils of online shopping. I''ve already bought a duvet cover with David Bowie''s face on it that I don''t need. From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? You can never have too much Bowie. I''d sleep under him and I''m as straight as they come. Crime novel.
Not a bad plot. The remains of a body are unearthed on a country estate. Turns out to be a violent hunt saboteur who went missing in the 80s. Narrated by a landowner who may or may not have killed him . From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Well don''t keep me in suspense. DID he kill him? From: NB26@zone.
com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Yeah. Accidentally on purpose. Like you do when you have guns to hand and the underclass try to mess with your blood sports. Supposed to be morally ambiguous but not sure I pulled that off. Hard to get a reader to root for a main character whose idea of a good time is killing baby animals. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.
com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Is it autobiographical? If so, you might want to tone down that message . From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Wouldn''t put it past him. Nah. That''s not fair. Said he didn''t do that kind of thing anymore. From: Bee1984@gmail.
com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? What kind of thing? Hunting or murder? From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Both (I hope). Thing is, despite the tweedy twatness, I quite liked him when we met. Old bugger, generous with the booze, lives in one of those crumbling stately homes straight out of a period drama about emotionally stunted aristocrats. Said he wanted to write a novel before he died but "didn''t have the time." They always say that.
Worked my arse off on his manuscript, sent it to him and apart from a "thanks, will read asap" haven''t heard a word. But you don''t want to hear all this. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? I share your pain. Nonpaying Clients From Hell are the freelancers'' curse. From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.
com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Spoken like a fellow sufferer. What field are you in? From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? If I told you, I''d have to kill you. From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? You''d be doing me a favor the way things are going. If you''re an assassin I might commission you.
Only . can I pay you in installments? From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Ha ha. Nothing that exciting. I''m in fashion. Kind of. From: NB26@zone.
com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Kind of? Tell me more. Just so you know, my idea of fashion is trousers that aren''t covered in dog hair. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? I''m more of a glorified seamstress. Have a small business repurposing wedding dresses. From: NB26@zone.
com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? What do you repurpose them into? Shrouds? Doilies? From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Sorry. That was rude. I''m a dick. It sounds cool. And e-friendly.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Feel free to take the piss! I do it all the time. Hmm. Shrouds. Hadn''t thought of that. Could start a new line: "Till death us do part." I repurpose them into whatever the client wants.
"Give the most expensive dress you ever bought a new lease of life" kind of thing. Get a lot of divorcees actually. From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Aha. A "fuck you ex-husband/wife" dress? From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Exactly.
Waiting for a client to pitch for a fitting right now. She''s a bit of a pain in the arse TBH, which is why I was self-medicating with Bowie merchandise. From: NB26@zone.com To: Bee1984@gmail.com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? Tell me more. Misery loves company. From: Bee1984@gmail.com To: NB26@zone.
com Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you? She can''t make up her mind. Been back 3 times. "I''ve been thinking, can it be asymmetrical? With a peplum? With a jacket maybe? Can we do it in.