Question: What has Congress done for you lately? Answer: Absolutely nothing. It's time to make Congress your bitch! Bitch (n.): a modern-day servant; a person who performs tasks for another, usually degrading in nature. [Urban Dictionary] Congress consistently garners about the same rating as used car salesmen from Democrats and Republicans alike, and Make Congress Your Bitch gives us all the cathartic experience we've been longing for. Here are 50 ways, each with photo illustration, you can make Congressmen really contribute to your life until all 535 of them are finally useful. For example: [Our Congressman is surrounded by stacks of papers, printouts, and receipts] Since you created such a nice, simple tax system, this should be a snap for you, right? Fill out the long-form 1040, and Schedules A through F. And don't forget those new accelerated deprecation schedules you cooked up last year! According to your estimates, those forms will only take an hour and ten minutes--so that'll give you plenty of time to wax and detail my car when you're done. [Our Congressmen join a line-up of day laborers looking for work.

] I just don't have any other jobs for you guys today. But the economy's improving, right? Just be patient--something's bound to come along. [Our Congressman is wearing lipstick and holding other samples.] What do you think? "Sexy Sienna" or "Pretty Pink"? Let's try the "Pretty Pink" one more time, and I'll post a photo of you on Facebook, and we can get a bunch of other opinions.