(The beginnings of a dope beat play in the background. TEACHER enters with a classroom full of students, ready to be victimized by JEN.) TEACHER Alright, class, remember that tomorrow is World Cultures Day, so I hope you''re all ready to set up your country''s booths with your yummy, yummy foods! (The students cheer. JEN emerges from them, screaming.) JEN YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! TEACHER Jen? Jen, I - Jen! I appreciate your enthusiasm, but - JEN Brap brap brap brap! (The dope beat goes ham. JEN raps with terrifying aggression; the classroom is destroyed in the process.) JEN YO, THERE''S A SHARK IN THE WATER, OUGHTTA GET OUTTA THE POOL VIET DAUGHTER ''BOUTTA BRING THE HOTTEST STAND TO THE SCHOOL I TELL YA, OTHER BITCHES'' BOOTHS HAD BEST PREPARE FOR A BEATING BECAUSE IT AIN''T WORLD CULTURES DAY UNTIL SOMEBODY IS BLEEDING BEST PREPARE FOR MEAT-EATING, IT DON''T BEAR NO REPEATING I''M SPEEDING DOWN THE LIST OF REASONS WHY MY FEAST IS LEADING JEN / ENSEMBLE GOT SOME CHICKEN / WHAT! JEN / ENSEMBLE PORK / WHAT! JEN AND YOU KNOW THAT I''M BEEFING AND ''EM SPRING ROLLS READY WITH A BIT OF REHEATING PICKLED VEGGIES ON THE SIDE, AND MILKY COFFEE ON THE ICE TRY SOME RICE, FRIED OR WHITE AT NO ADDITIONAL PRICE NOT ONLY THAT, GOT A BURNER STOVE AND CANS OF GAS SO YOU CAN SLURP A BOWL OF PHO WHEN I''M THROUGH KICKING YO ASS HO! SO, YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT SHOW LEAVE YOUR DUMBASS PIEROGIES AT HOME I DUNNO HOW THE FUCK YOU BURNED NACHOS BUT YOU DID IT, NOW YOU''RE FINISHED ''CAUSE THE DISHES I MADE ON MY OWN With my mom''s help. She did the cooking.
I rolled the spring rolls. Bitch. VIETNAM PIMPIN'', YO, STOP YO BITCHIN'' I''M DISHING OUT THE DISHES AND YOU''RE RIPE FOR THE PICKIN'' WE ARE READY STEADY GO, TO GO INTERNATIONAL AND WE''RE NEVER GOING SLOW, WE''RE VIETNAM PIMPIN'' (Jump to after school. JEN''S MOM is driving JEN home.) JEN''S MOM So tell me how you got detention. JEN Ms. Jones says I "destroyed" "the classroom" "with enthusiasm." And "made gratuitous use of the B-word.
" JEN''S MOM (stern) Jenny. JEN But it''s okay! She let me keep my booth for World Cultures Day! And tomorrow, we''ll see who''s giving who detention. JEN''S MOM That''s not how that works. JEN Did you start the ch giò? (Projection: "in case you didn''t know: ch giò; a Vietnamese fried spring roll, usually pork") JEN''S MOM (sigh) Yes, I finished them this morning. JEN Finished? But that means they won''t be fresh tomorrow. They''ll be in the fridge all night. JEN''S MOM Huh? JEN Whatever. It''s fine.
What about the pickled vegetables? JEN''S MOM You want those too? Honey, that''s gonna take a whole day at least. JEN Why didn''t you start earlier?! JEN''S MOM I have work, Jenny! JEN At least tell me I''ll have the pho. (Projection: "in case you didn''t know: ph; a Vietnamese soup consisting of broth, rice noodles called bánh ph, a few herbs, and meat, primarily made with either beef (ph bò) or chicken (ph gà)") JEN''S MOM Of course! (gestures to grocery bag beside driver''s seat) I just came from the supermarket. (JEN pulls a bag of broth powder from the bag.) JEN . instant. broth powder? I told everyone I was going to have authentic, slave-away-over-a-stove-for-eight-hours broth! JEN''S MOM It tastes the same. JEN No it doesn''t! You ruin everything, mom! (JEN throws a tantrum.
JEN''S MOM tries to calm her down.) JEN''S MOM Jen! Jennifer! I think you''re taking World Cultures Day a little too seriously. What do you even get from it? JEN The satisfaction of crushing my enemies. And a twenty-dollar gift card to McDonald''s. JEN''S MOM Jenny. I''ll take you to McDonald''s myself if that''s what you really want. JEN But that''s not it. The other kids make fun of me at lunchtime.
They see me with leftover noodles, and they all have. Lunchables. (Projection: "in case you didn''t know: Lunchables; how your parents tell you that they don''t love you") JEN''S MOM (grimaces) Lunchables. JEN I just wanted to show them that our food is the best.