Prologue The mummy entered the dank chamber and lit the torches one by one. The flickering light reflected off of the liquid that filled the jars, vats, and open Tupperware around the room. "I''m baaaaaaaaaack!" growled the mummy, and something within each of the containers trembled. Ooze gushed out and splashed onto the sandy ground. "I''m back, and I don''t have any time for chitchat," said the mummy. He clapped his hands twice, and a fine white dust flew from his bandages. "We''ve got to get down to business straight away." Two figures appeared in the doorway that had been chiseled through a rock wall.
They crouched down low to get through the doorway without harming their bird heads. Their beaks clicked as they bowed low to the mummy. "Yes, yes, do come in," he said. "Make it snappy- we''ve got a lot of prep work to do." The bird-heads went back through the doorway, and returned quickly with another mummy. This one was motionless as they carried it into the room. They bowed again and dropped it at the feet of the first mummy, who was alive and very impatient. "All right, all right," he said, snapping his fingers.
"Enough ceremony. Stop bowing and give me the Blade of a Thousand and One Souls already!" The bird-heads clicked their beaks in anger, but obeyed. One reached behind its back and unsheathed a long, curved blade that started narrow near the hilt and widened toward the point. Before the bird-head could bow and present it to the mummy, the mummy snatched it away. "SQUAWK!" yelled the bird-head. "Get outta here!" yelled the mummy in reply. They held up their hands in protest, clicked their beaks, and hissed, but backed out. Once they were gone, the mummy turned his attention back to the containers.
"Now . ," he said, swinging the sword carelessly with one hand while searching around the chamber. "Where are you, Tutankhamen? Tonight your body shall burn to feed your brain." He strolled around, peering into jugs, lifting up the larger Tupperware containers and peering underneath, making sure not to spill the precious juices on his head. Finally, he came to a laundry basket lined with a trash bag. "Aha!" He plunged his hand into the ooze and pulled out a pulsating brain. "Tutankhamen!" he screeched. "I.
Can''t. WAIT. To eat you!" He held the brain up high. "So young. So fresh. With the exception of our new visitors'', your brains will be the richest. Your brains will take me soooo many places-deep into so many minds!" The brain squirted a purplish-black goo directly into the eyes of the mummy. "WARGH!" he yelled, dropping the brain-SPLUNK-and the sword-CLANK.
He used the bandages on his hands to clean his eyes. Once he opened them again, he gasped and pointed at the brain. "Nooooo!" he yelled. "Look what you''ve done to yourself." The brain was starting to disintegrate into the sand. The mummy picked it up, blew off all the sand that he could, and then plopped it back into the trash-bag-lined laundry basket with a PLOOOP. "How dare you disobey your master on a night such as this?!" he yelled, picking up the sword. "Tonight of all nights! YOUR night.
The night that has been thousands of years in the making. The night we will drive what''s left of your spirit from your body and back into your MIND!" The angry mummy raised the sword high and brought it down onto the lifeless mummy in the sand. FWACK. The head rolled into a corner. FWACK, FWACK! No more arms. FWACK, FWACK! "How does that feel, Tut?" screeched the mummy. "Noooooooo!" yelled the dusty old head on the ground. "What you''re doing is wrong, and the spirits shall make you pay.
" "Zip it, Tut," said the mummy. "I didn''t actually need you to answer. It was a rhetorical question!" FWACK, FWACK, FWACK!!! The mummy went on and on, until Tutankhamen''s body was just a pile of parts. He gathered up all of the parts and placed them in the center of the room. Then he grabbed Tutankhamen''s head and held it so that his eyes pointed at the pile. "Take a good look!" said the mummy. "It will surely be your last." With his other hand, the mummy grabbed one of the torches from the wall and threw it on the pile.
SCHWWOOOOOF! Tutankhamen''s body parts caught on fire almost immediately. "Noooooooo," screeched the head. The laundry basket began to bubble and froth in anger. "AMAN-RA!" boomed the mummy, holding Tutankhamen''s head high. An eerie purple glow filled the room. The flames danced around Tutankhamen''s parts like orange and purple snakes. The body crackled and snapped, and the pieces started folding into one another and sent sparks to the very top of the chamber. Then the sparks blew back down, hitting the liquid in the vats and containers with little hisses.
Before the fire got too low, the mummy threw Tutankhamen''s head on the very top. "Sizzle, sizzle!" the mummy yelled. "You. Will. PAY!" said Tutankhamen''s head on top of the flaming pile, his mouth opening wide with a CRACKLE. The mummy pulled out a vial from somewhere in his wrappings, popped out the stopper, took a mouthful, and blew the liquid over the burning pile. "ANUBIS-DUN!" the mummy yelled. There was a low moan, and then, POP-POP, both of Tutankhamen''s eyes exploded juicily.
The fire died down quickly, and with a POOF, a large cloud of purple and red sparks swirled, gathered, and tumbled into the laundry basket. The mummy peered into the basket and, with a grin, said, "Yes. YESSS. Glow with your newfound powers. GLOW. And grow. I''ll be back to eat every last bit of you, you false king. You and all those who came before you.
And after." A large scarab beetle scampered into the room and stopped at the feet of the mummy. The mummy raised his sword high once again and chopped off the scarab''s head. He leaned down, picked up the body, and tipped its oozing green fluid into his mouth. SLLLLLUUUUUUUUURP! He dropped the shell and sword and flexed his muscles. "I am the only ruler now!" he yelled. "Now . who''s next?" The Burpstronauts Return "So what was your favorite part of the trip?" Shane asked as Gordon and I looked through the small porthole of Murrayhotep''s spaceship.
The spaceship whirred and hummed with a deep throbbing BWOOOW-BWOOOW as it made its way to Earth. "I think my favorite part was when the moon ate Zorflogg!" said Ben. "MUNCH, BURP, Earth saved!" "And not a moment too soon," said Shane, carefully high-fiving Ben so the zero gravity wouldn''t push them apart. "We were almost space junk. What about you, Chris? What was your favorite part?" "Just being on the moon," I replied, sighing. My breath pushed me away from the porthole. "Don''t sigh too hard, Space Boy," said Gordon, catching me before I floated all the way into the control panel. "If you crash into that control panel, we''ll all be lost.
And I don''t know about you, but I can''t wait to get home." I stared at the control panel, and absolutely nothing made sense to me. "I''m still trying to figure out how a stinky, grumpy old mummy got his own spaceship," said Nabila as she floated over to the control panel to take a closer look. "And something about these controls doesn''t feel right." "What do you mean?" asked Ben, floating toward her. He misfired and slammed his head against her butt. "Wah?!!" she said. "PDA! PDA!" yelled Gordon.
"Quit it, you lovebirds. Just because you''re going out doesn''t mean we have to see your bizarre dating rituals." Nabila''s cheeks turned red as she tried to ignore an obviously grumpy Gordon. "Well, these controls are labeled with a variation of hieroglyphic writing," she continued, "but it seems to be fashioned in some sort of code." "Oh, I thought you were Little Miss Egyptian Know-It-All!" Gordon said, laughing. "Stop it, Gordon," Shane said. I looked over at Gordon. "Just because I, yes, I, the nerdiest kid you know except for Ben, beat you at moon football doesn''t mean you can take it out on everyone else," I said.
"Sorry," said Gordon. "I miss real football, and I''m tired of missing so many practices, and I''m just . tired. Is there anywhere to take a nap on this thing?" "We''re all exhausted," I said. "But we''ll have plenty of time to sleep once we''re back on Earth." "Maybe we can ask Director Z and Lunch Lady to erase our parents'' minds for another week," Shane added. "That would be sweeeeeet," said Gordon. "Don''t they have to listen to you now that you''re a Director?" "The only people I can control with my pendant are the monsters," I replied.
"Which reminds me," said Gordon, "where is this pendant that you keep talking about?" "It''s a secret I keep deep inside of me," I said. Shane snickered, knowing exactly where I kept the pendant. Ben had finally rotated so he was face-to-face with Nabila, and the two of them stared at the controls. "Director Z figured out how to work the ship," said Ben. "I''m sure we can, as well." "But Director Z only figured out what one button did before sending us back to Earth," Nabila said, and pointed to the tattered piece of tape above a big red button. AUTOPILOT was scribbled on the tape in huge black letters. "Ah," said Ben.
"I see." "I''m going to see if I can crack the code," she said. Nabila whipped a notebook out of her fluorescent pink fanny pack without thinking about the lack of gravity. Plastic baggies, pencils, pens, erasers, even Ben''s motion-sickness pills spilled out, and everything flew around the bridg.