Did I ever tell you the story about my cousin the cobbler?''asked Nanny Piggins. Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children happened to be eating apple cobbler at the time. Apple cobbler is a delicious dessert made with stewed apples and sweet dumplings baked on top. Nanny Piggins'' version of apple cobbler was particularly delicious because she had tweaked the recipe. Instead of just apples, she added chocolate. In fact, five kilos of chocolate for every one kilo of apple. She said this was necessary to ''balance'' the flavour. And the children did not argue.

After just one serving, Derrick, Samantha and Michael were too sugar-addled to say anything rational anyway. So when Nanny Piggins said she was related to a cobbler, this did somewhat confuse poor Michael. ''You''re related to a fruit-based dessert?'' he asked. This was not such a ridiculous question. Nanny Piggins was a pig and yet she managed to be related to a bear (her brother) and, they had recently discovered, a goat (a distant cousin). To be related to dessert might seem strange for a normal person, but Nanny Piggins was in every way so extraordinary it was just the type of thing she''d find some way of doing. ''No, of course not,'' said Nanny Piggins. ''I do have a distant aunt who claimed to be a pavlova, but it turned out that she was simply the ballet dancer the pavlova was named after, so we stopped being impressed.

'' ''Right,'' said Michael. Although he still did not understand in the least. ''No, this relative was a cobbler, as in a person who makes shoes,'' said Nanny Piggins. ''Ooooh,'' said the children, catching on. ''Of course, her life was terribly hard,'' said Nanny Piggins. ''Was she bad at making shoes?'' asked Derrick. ''No, quite the opposite,'' said Nanny Piggins.''Her life was hard because of the rampant pigism in the shoe industry.

'' ''The what?'' asked Samantha. ''Pigism,'' said Nanny Piggins. ''You''ve got to understand that back in the olden story days, people were not as forward-thinking as they are today. People were so narrow-minded that they preferred to wear shoes that had not been made by a pig.'' The children thought about this for a moment. Nanny Piggins had raised them to know that pigism was wrong. But,that said, they could understand someone having a preference for a shoe made by an animal with opposable thumbs. They realised, however, that saying this to Nanny Piggins would not be wise.

''So anyway, my poor cousin Madge and her husband struggled year-after- year to make ends meet,''continued Nanny Piggins.''It got to the point where they had so little money,theycouldnotevenaffordtobuy.''Nanny Piggins got emotional here and struggled to continue. ''It''s all right, Nanny Piggins,'' said Samantha kindly. ''If it''s too hard for you to go on, we don''t need a story.'' ''No,'' said Nanny Piggins. ''Poor Madge''s story needs to be told. It may be brutal, heartbreaking and distressing for young ears such as yours to hear, but you cannot be sheltered from the grim reality of life forever.

Madge and her husband were so poor . they could not afford cake.'' Boris broke down and wailed, ''That''s terrible!'' ''It gets worse,'' said Nanny Piggins.''Because they could not afford cake, they were reduced to eating this dreadful sugar-free substance that people say is food but I''m not entirely convinced it is. It was called brrreeead.'' ''Briieeed?'' asked Derrick. He had never heard this word before. ''Do you mean "bread"?'' asked Michael.

''Yes, that''s it!'' said Nanny Piggins. ''Disgusting stuff. Just plain, solidified flour with air in it. It''s the food equivalent of eating dishwater.'' ''Couldn''t they put a nice bit of honey on it?'' asked Boris. He was partial to a honey sandwich himself. And when I say 4 ''partial'', I mean he passionately loved honey sandwiches with every ounce of his considerable frame. ''They couldn''t afford honey,'' said Nanny Piggins.

''Oh dear chocolate!'' wailed Boris. ''This story is horrendous. I can''t bear to listen. And I''m a bear, so I''m usually good at bearing.'' This was not true. Boris was not good at bearing in the sense of tolerating something unpleasant at all. But he was a bear and therefore good at that, so close enough. ''It was terrible,''agreed Nanny Piggins.

''It''s so exhaust- ing being poor and hungry. Especially for pigs.'' ''It is?'' asked Derrick. ''Oh yes,'' said Nanny Piggins. ''You see, we love food so much that when we don''t get any it''s so much more dreadful.'' The children thought about this. They guessed it kind of made sense. ''Madge and her husband only had enough leather left to make one pair of shoes,''said Nanny Piggins.

''If no-one came in and ordered a pair of shoes, they would starve. Or have to grow vegetables and eat them. Which just sounds so dreadful I''m sure they''d rather starve.'' ''This story is awful!" sobbed Boris. ''Don''t worry, I''m coming to a good bit,'' said Nanny Piggins.''Madgeandherhusbandwerejustdespairing and bemoaning their wretched lives when the shop bell tinkled. They looked up to see that a man had entered. A customer had not been in their shop for such a long time that they assumed it was someone who was lost, or perhaps a bank robber who was looking for a place to hide from the police.

But no - this was an actual customer wanting to buy shoes. Madge rushed forward and measured the customer''s feet.Herhusbandshowedhimpicturesofthestyles he could choose from. The man picked what he wanted andsaidhewouldbebackinthemorningtocollect his shoes. Madgeandherhusbandwereoverjoyed.They would have jumped up and down with glee except they weresoexhaustedfromstarvationtheydidn''thave anyenergy.Soinstead,Madgegotouthertoolsand startedpreparingtheleatherandcuttingitintothe necessary shapes. But it had been such a long day that shesoonbecametootired.

Plusitwasgettingdark andtherewerenocandles.Madgedecidedtogoto bed and wake up early the next morning to sew the shoes together. But the next morning they overslept. I''m not sure why. The village cockerel must have got a frog in his throat.Perhapsliterally.Isupposecockerelsdoeat frogs. I''ll have to ask the next one I meet.

Anyway, Madge and her husband were awoken by the tinkle of the shop bell. ''Ohno,''saidMadge.''It''sthemanreturning,andI haven''t made his shoes.'' ''We shall have to plead with him to have mercy on us,'' said her husband. ''Orbophimontheheadwithafryingpanifthe opportunity presents itself,'' suggested Madge. She hurried out to the shop, grabbed up a frying pan just in case and threw open the door, bracing herself for the inevitable onslaught of abuse. But as soon as the man stepped i.