Chapter 8 If you beat arabbit long enough, he will learn to lightmatches. --a commonplace truth Thingsweren''t looking good at first, but--with the help of hunger,thirst-- the Russians soon found new professions. Look here: aseasoned barrister no longer bothers with confessions-- insteadhe copies out film scores for studios. One officer is now abutler and chauffeur. Sure, there were many lamentations, butalso countless transformations: with enviable sleight of hand, ourscience lecturers began to "beautify" the local ladies. Theirpast anxiety now fading, without a worry or a care our"aunties" skillfully prepare embroidered silk, satin, and tulle; meanwhile,a Major General repairs your footwear "while you wait". Forgettingbrilliant parades, our brave Brigade Commanders mow yourlawn, make sure your roses grow. A lauded senior engineer isa mechanic (shifting gears).
An actor of the Russian theatre hasopened a café. serves beer or zubrówka, cutlets or grilled beef. Nostage for him, and no relief: all day he stands behind the "bar"-- butthese hot goods can get you far. He slings his cocktails to thethrongs of patrons, even sings old songs with a guitar forcompany. The actor''s happy as can be! He needs no fame nowthat he''s found respect--and has a bank account. One formercolonel whittles, glues, has mastered all the special tools ofcarpentry, makes cabinets for "stars," and also works on "sets." Onenotary now presses suits, but when a customer disputes thefee, he caves under duress-- too often, he''s left penniless. Andhere''s another curious fact: the airplane factories are packed withRussians--not just engineers, but dancers, lawyers.
It appears thateveryone needs food and drink, and nobody would ever think lessof a countryman who crawls around in greasy overalls. Thereare impostors, too, Lord knows, but only locals fall for those. OurKhlestakovs will seldom lie if there''s an émigré nearby. Nevertheless,I should make clear that I myself have chanced to hear boldfables that would stop your hearts. Some claimthey were Imperial Guards or "favorites" of their regiments-- theirreputations were immense. They had been weighed down by a wealth ofmedals. Hindenburg himself had thought them his worst enemy. TheTsar had had them all to tea.
Thesecommoners-turned-Counts report how their mamas had shone at court. Forno one is untitled here-- no matter where you look, a peer. Ameek Collegiate Assessor in Hollywood can be "Professor"! Iknew one fellow--just a meager pharmacist from humble Riga-- whonow can trace his family''s roots back to some Rurikid offshoots. Justabout half the émigrés are in the movies, where they "play" jigitsand knights, both noblemen and jolly serfs who work the land, soldiersand officers and sailors, both men of means and simple tailors, bothcourtly ladies and their maids. Early each morning, at the gates ofstudios, "our crowd" amasses-- mothers and fathers, lads and lasses-- aproper family affair. Friends, I won''t lie: you''ll find methere-- not very often, no, but still. Why be ashamed? What''sthe big deal? I earn a little "pocket money," which keeps mydisposition sunny. Not many Russians "break through,"though.
Believe me, it''s a thorny road that leads up to thestarry skies. You''ll need some "pull" here, otherwise you''llhave to squirm and beg and wail, hold on to someone else''s tail, keepbeating down producers'' doors, give gifts on holidays, and more. You''llhave to "sweeten" every pot or you won''t even have a shot. Thosewho don''t "give," who play it straight, are asked to "wait". and"wait". and "wait". The sad thing is, they''ll never get it, poorfools--they might as well forget it. Reader, it''s time youunderstood: there''s no free lunch in Hollywood!.