I. ETERNITY 101. 1. The Community of Saints. Saints Be Praised: It All Comes from the Catholics. Let''s Cut to Sex. Get Ready for a Holy Tour of the Saints'' Lives. 2.

Heaven, the Home of the Saints: Eternal Bliss but No Sex, No Pets, and No MTV. Who Has a Home in Heaven. What, Then, Are the Specific Joys of Heaven? 3. Where the Rest of the Poor Souls Go: Purgatory, Limbo, and Hell. Purgatory. But This Stuff Is So Medieval! In Limbo-Land. Hell: A Real Scream, Without the Popcorn. II.

A PRIMER TO THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS. 4. Whatever Happened to the Twelve Apostles? John the Baptist: Sainthood Is Not for Sissies. St. Peter Gets the Keys to the Kingdom. The Weird Gospels Produce Weird Legends. 5. Legends Versus Lives: St.

Paul and His Disciples. St. Paul The Patron Saint of Protestants. The Story of Paul and the Lion Who Became a Pussycat. The Disciples of St. Paul. 6. The Holy Martyrs: How to Obtain Real Death Benefits.

How the Christians Became So Hated. St. Cecilia, or, All for a Song. Pliny Relates Plenty on Christians. Zounds: St. Zoe Opposes Zeus. Yet Another Round of Persecutions. Hey, Marcus Aurelius, Why Don''t You Practice What You Preach! Just Toss Us a Bone, for Heaven''s Sake.

Five Reasons Christians Were Really Irksome to Pagans. Great Party Causes Terrible Hangover. And You Thought Diocletian Was Decent. Diocletian Cracks Up and Grows Cabbage. 7. The Intercession of the Saints (Plus: How Many Saints'' Lives are Really Legends!). The Power of the Saints. It''s True: Dead Saints Do Favors for Dead People.

It Began with an Anniversary Party. Sebastian: Seems like a Good Name for a Soldier. All They Want Is a Little Recognition. 8. Hey! These Apologists Won''t Say They''re Sorry! The Pagans Take Aim at Christians This Time with Their Pens. Let''s Get This Straight These Guys Won''t Apologize. Fronto Gets St. Irenaeus Irked.

This Guy Has a Wacky Sense of Humor! Christianity Gets Caught Up in Technicalities. Now This Is Really Extreme! The Man Who Moved Mountains. Will Jesus Marry the Queen of Egypt? Great Idea! Passing Out Tracts to The Pagans! Lactantius Has Last Laugh. When Can We Stop Apologizing? III. THE MIDDLE AGES: WHEN SAINTHOOD WAS IN FLOWER. 9. White Martyrdom: Confessors Open the Back Door to Heaven. Now That It''s Legal, It''s No Fun.

If You Thought Antony Was Weird, Wait Until You Meet Paul the Hermit. A Real Saint Is Merciful to Mosquitoes. I''ve Heard of Insomnia, But This Is Ridiculous! Don''t Mess with St. Marcarius. Even Maggots Need a Break Now and Then. But Freaks Are Fun! Need a Cold Shower? Jump in a Bramble Bush! 10. The Brides of Christ: Good Grief! There''s a Harem in Heaven. Want a Perfect Husband? You, Too, Can Become a Bride of Christ.

The Honeymoon Is Heaven. Talk About Child Abuse! Two-Timing the Lord? Now Prostitutes Are Marrying Jesus? What Next? The Desert Is No Place for Harlots in Hair Shirts. 11. The Great Christian Missionaries: How the Irish Saints Saved the World. Good News! There''s a Back Road to Heaven! These Guys Are Enough to Ruin a Nice Christian Neighborhood. This Saint Can Get Really Ugly. How the Irish Saved the World. 12.

Popes and Princes: In Heaven, It Pays to Be Rich. Most Saints Were Fat Cats. It''s Easy to Get Canonized.If You''re a King. Saints Really Pop Out of the Papacy. 13. The Church Gives Doctoral Degrees to Some Dead Saints. Some Saints Are More Special Than Other Saints.

A Ph.D. for Saints? IV. THE QUEEN OF HEAVEN. 14. You''ve Tried the Rest, Now Here''s the Best: Blessed Virgin Mary. There''s Something About Mary. Frank Sinatra Was Right: "Fairy Tales Can Come True".

Mary Gets Slapped with Seven Sorrows. No Limbo for These Kids: The First Christian Martyrs. 15. Mary II, the Sequel: How the Blessed Virgin Captured the Throne of Heaven. Mary Gets Her Way with Jesus. Three Ways to Win Mary''s Heart. Mary''s Life in Heaven. Forget Elvis and the Beatles: The Mary Craze Sends Christians into a Frenzy.

If You Won''t Help Me, I''ll Tell Your Mother! 16. In the Flesh: Mary Begins to Pop Up Everywhere. Mary Makes Many Appearances. The Blessed Virgin''s First Post-Assumption Appearance. 17. More Mary Sightings. Mary''s on the Move. Mary Makes Demands in Mexico.

At Heart, Mary Is a Parisian. It Was Mary, Not the Lord, Who Appeared at Lourdes. Mary Visits Three Kids in Fatima. Mary Appears on the Tube. Mary Keeps Popping Up All over the Planet. V. SAINTS IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY. 18.

Heavenly Horrors! Saints Get Kicked Out of God''s Kingdom. How Saints Went Crazy. Sure, He''s Dead, but He Should Do Something! How Buddha Became a Catholic Saint. Bollandists Expose Bogus Saints. 19. Sainthood Made Easy: A Step-by-Step Guide to Your Canonization. Are You a Saint? Let''s Check and See. How to Become a "Servant of God".

20. Hallelujah, It''s True! A Few Saints Are Red, White, and Blue. American Saint Abused by Sister Superior. Come on, Johnny, Smile! You''re a Saint! Hold On! This Saint Is a Protestant!. Really, Rose, the Habit Isn''t Flattering for Your Figure. And Now for Our Newest Saint. Jesus Gets a Rich New Bride. The KKK Won''t Mess with St.

Katherine! Even in Heaven, It Helps to Be Politically Correct. 21. Saintly Remains: How to Get Rich with a Bag of Bones. Little Things Mean a Lot. The Relic of Relics. VI. APPENDIXES. Appendix A.

The Patron Saints. Appendix B. Feast Days of the Saints. Index.