Introduction: My Story and Why I Wrote a Book About Breakups xiii Chapter 1 Why Your Brain Thinks Love Is Life- or- Death 1 Evolutionary Biology 3 Childhood 4 Our Three Primal Fears 6 Chapter 2 No Contact (Creating the Environment to Heal) 15 The No Contact Rule 16 No Contact to Get an Ex Back 22 No Contact to Move On 23 Chapter 3 What Kills Good Relationships? 39 Category 1: Differences in Attachment Styles 40 Attachment and Adult Romantic Relationships 44 Attachment Theory in Breakups 55 The Anxious- Avoidant Trap 55 Category 2: A Mismanaged Emotional Bank Account 59 Category 3: Differences in Goals or Values 61 Category 4: Self- Sabotage 63 Chapter 4 How to Rebuild a Relationship That Lasts 69 Move On or Wait for Them? 69 Common Mistakes 88 Should You Ever Reach Out to Your Ex? 94 Chapter 5 Crossing the River of Grief 97 Facing Your Pain 100 Modulating Healthy Distr(action) 102 Thinking Errors 104 Chapter 6 The Life- Changing Power of Small Wins 117 Micro Wins 119 Life Map 123 Say Yes to Things That Scare You 129 Anchoring Hope in the Future 130 Chapter 7 How to Stop Falling for People Who Can't Love You Back 133 Inner Beliefs 135 Your Beliefs Choose Your Relationships 140 Reliance on Others: Anxious vs. Avoidant 141 Letter to Little You 145 Daily Tracking 147 Chapter 8 Focusing Outward (Why Self- Care Is Not Enough) 151 The Science of Connection 152 Your Pain Qualifies You to Help Others 154 Connection as a Healing Tool 155 Chapter 9 Forgiveness: Setting Yourself Free 161 Forgiving with Boundaries 163 Forgiving Others 164 Forgiving Yourself 167 Forgiveness Is Free 171 Chapter 10 What If This Was the Best Thing That's Ever Happened to You? 175 Adjusting the Meaning and the Sunk Cost Bias 179 Releasing Control 182 Reframing Relationship Failure 184 Chapter 11 Dating After Heartbreak, Without Losing Yourself Again 187 The Dangers of Dating Too Soon 189 How Do You Know When You Are Ready? 193 Should I Date If I Still Think About My Ex? 194 Beginning to Date 195 Planning Dates 196 Feeling Numb 197 Overcoming Emotional Numbness 198 Setting Yourself Up for Success 203 Attachment Styles in Early Dating 203 Discussing Past Relationships and Partners 208 Finding People to Date 209 Look Where You Want to Find Them 211 Your Dating Compass: Primary and Secondary Characteristics 212 Chapter 12 Lined with Gold 217 Dear Reader 221 Acknowledgments 223 About the Author 225 Index 227.