1 It''s Time to Enter Boy World Like many parents, I wake every morning with my mind filled with Post-It notes of all the things I''m behind on. On April 12, 2011, I opened my eyes with only one thought: it''s time to write a boys'' book. For years I''ve wanted to write a book for boys that would be a complement to one I''d written for girls, Queen Bees and Wannabes. When parents and teachers would ask me about the possibility, I''d thank them for their confidence and promise that I''d get around to it one day, not really sure that I would. Ironically, my two children are both boys, which always gets a laugh when I''m introduced as an expert on girls. How can that Queen Bees woman, that Mean Girls woman, be the mother of only boys? The truth is, I''ve always taught boys, and they constantly write to me for advice. But up until now I''ve never publicly shared their struggles and what I''ve told them. Some of their problems are important but small, like "How can I tell a girl I like her?" or "How do I tell a girl I don''t like her?" or "How do I stop my friend from bugging me about how short I am?" Other questions are bigger, like, "I have a coach who screams ''faggot'' at one of the kids.
Some of the other guys are going after him too. I hate it, but what can I do?" "I want to quit the team but I can''t tell my parents." Or, "My dad always, always thinks I''m guilty of something, or lying, or lazy. Every time he lectures me I just want to explode, but I smile and say nothing. My mom makes excuses for him. I can''t live like this but I don''t know what to do." I put off writing a book about boys because I wasn''t certain I could deliver the level of insight that I''d been praised for in Queen Bees. Did I know boys well enough? Could I get them to tell me what I needed to know? I knew that boys are much more complex than popular culture gives them credit for.
I knew there was a lot going on beyond their clipped responses like, "I''m fine." But I wasn''t sure that I could write something that was equal to what boys, parents, and adults who care about boys need and deserve. I needed a sign. I got it when I was least expecting it. In the spring of 2011, I met with Cartoon Network''s CEO, Stu Snyder, and Alice Cahn, the network''s vice president of social responsibility, to discuss the possibility of working together on their "Stop Bullying: Speak Up" campaign. I''d brought along Emily Gibson, who helps me strategize new partnerships. As usual, Emily got right to the point. "Stu, I''m really glad we''re meeting, but I''m not sure I understand why.
Rosalind is more known for her work with girls, and we know most of Cartoon Network''s viewers are boys, so why her?" Stu immediately answered. "You can see it in her eyes." What''s in my eyes? I wondered. Do I have something weird in my eyes? "You can see she has boys in her eyes," Stu said. What was he talking about? Then I realized exactly what he was referring to. I''d seen that look. I''d even written about it in another book, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. I just hadn''t realized it was my facial expression too.
That look says to others: "I''m regularly attacked with Nerf guns as a display of affection. I''m not surprised to receive an email or phone call from the principal. There may have been a time, just once, when I realized the boys'' principal was calling and I pressed Ignore because I just really didn''t want to hear what the boys had done. At any moment I must cope with the following challenges: my children destroying something of high value, hurting themselves doing something mind-blowingly stupid, or facing a hygiene problem so severe that lesser beings would flee or vomit. But because I''m these kids'' mother, I''ll hold them accountable, patch them back together or bring them to someone who can, while shaking my head at the ridiculous reason we''re at this place, seeking help. And yes, I''ll force these desecrators of bodily hygiene to clean up after themselves--even if they claim they can''t smell anything wrong." I returned from my meeting in Atlanta, and the next morning I woke up ready to write. I had just needed someone on the outside to let me know I was ready.
For Better and Worse: How I Started the Queen Bee/Mean Girl Craze There are a few more things to know about me beyond that I have a reputation for working with girls. I''ve taught in schools for almost twenty years. I started by founding a nonprofit organization that taught kids from fifth to twelfth grade a social justice and ethical leadership course I developed called "Owning Up(tm)." That early work is the basis for the training I still do with educators and administrators. About eight years into teaching, I wrote Queen Bees and Wannabes, a book for parents of girls about what the world looks like to a girl and how parents can best guide their daughters through it. I wrote about girls because I felt that our understanding of girls and the connection between their friendships and their personal development wasn''t as good as it needed to be. By 2000, a lot had been written about girls, self-esteem, and body image, but I couldn''t find anything intended for a general audience that spoke to girls'' group dynamics. I believed that girls'' conflicts with others were unfairly dismissed as drama and cattiness.
We weren''t giving girls real-life skills to handle conflict with their dignity intact. I saw that girls were valued based on their ability to conform to the unwritten rules of what I termed "Girl World," and that these dynamics in turn impacted girls'' ability to be socially competent as girls and women. I can''t quite remember the sequence of when and how all this happened, but right before Queen Bees was published, I was profiled in a New York Times Magazine article entitled "Mean Girls." A few days later, my literary agent asked if I''d talk to a woman named Tina Fey, because she was interested in buying the rights to the book. I had no idea who she was. I''d just had a baby (my oldest son Elijah), so even if I was watching TV, I was so tired I couldn''t remember anything I was seeing anyway. Before you think I was jumping for joy that someone had asked to buy film rights for Queen Bees, you should know that I was already jaded enough about media and entertainment that I needed to be convinced. I''d had a couple of strange calls from people asking to buy my life rights--which would have made for an extremely compelling story of a woman desperately trying to raise money for her little nonprofit from fancy foundations while wearing clothes decorated with baby vomit.
But I took the call. Twenty minutes later, I was convinced. If someone was going to do something as crazy as taking a nonfiction, how-to parenting book and turning it into a major motion picture, Tina was the person to do it. All I asked of her was that she not make it stupid. She promised, and I believed her. Not only because she was clearly intelligent, but also because she appeared to be motivated in the same way I was. If you''re going to put yourself out there, you can''t do it half-assed. (That said, with more than twelve years of parenting under my belt, I''m much more accepting of personal mediocrity.
) With the popularity of Queen Bees and Mean Girls, I was increasingly called upon to speak on girls'' issues, which was great but also made me uncomfortable. While the attention on girls was needed, the message was also sometimes watered down or used as a way to demonize girls. In addition, with all the conversations about girls, boys, as a distinct group, disappeared. Recently, with the avalanche of attention on bullying and school shootings, the closest we''ve come to recognizing boys'' issues is in our discussions of teen suicides, which we generally attribute to homophobia and lack of gun control. Not that those issues aren''t worth discussing--but they''re far from the only boys'' issues that need to be addressed. Could I Get Boys to Help Me? With every book I write, I ask the people I''m writing about to help me. But when I decided to do a book for boys, I remember wondering if it would be possible to get boys to reveal their deepest feelings, thoughts, and most meaningful experiences. Could I get them to answer my questions day in and day out? Would they really read twenty-page drafts of chapters multiple times for no reason other than that they wanted to? (I did offer to write college recommendations if they worked hard.
) Yes. They did, and it was far easier than I expected. First, I put out a few calls to schools--public, charter, private, parochial, international, all boys, big, small, urban, suburban, and rural--and held my breath. Almost immediately, schools of every type were on board. Then a few weeks later, as I was wrapping up a high school presentation, I mentioned to the students that I was working on a boys'' book and if anyone wanted to help me, they should please let me know. I couldn''t believe the response. Boys walked right up to me and volunteered. (So did girls, by the way.
) After that, I made the request after every presentation. What surprised me the most was who came forward. Looking back now, it makes perfect sense that the "golden boys" with the highest social status, like the athletes, volunteered, but they weren''t the only ones; many different kids volunteered. By email and Twitter, boys found me and told me they were on board. Within a month, I had over 160 boys contributing to what you''re about to read. In their own words, here are a few of them telling you why they did it. I feel that helping people who are in bad situations I have already been in is a duty. --Mathias, 16 I''m doing it because I want to be part o.