You Used to be a Person. Areal one-with hobbies, expendable income, and sex that was at least semiannual. But then you had kids, and the more you became a parent, the less you became yourself. You love your children deeply, but most days you feel like nothing more than a butler in sweatpants. That ends today. (Just the second part. You can still love your kids.) Wow, You Look Terrible! is a beacon of hope to beleaguered parents across the globe.

The revolutionary child-rearing techniques within will teach you how to: Save money on soccer by having your kid join a cult, Throw your child's entire birthday party in seventeen minutes flat, Get shredded abs while pulling your toddler out of a bounce house, Eliminate babysitting costs by getting your kid stuck in a claw machine, Calculate how much money your child will need for college based on their current dumbass behaviors, Meditate in a laser tag arena, Drink responsibly at any elementary school play, Rid your life of the Easter Bunny once and for all, And much, much more! With a foreword by late-night scamp Jimmy Kimmel, and brimming with perfect advice, harrowing tales, quizzes, charts, scams, schemes, swear words, and bold-faced lies that will tip the balance of power back in your favor, Wow, You Look Terrible! will make you a bona fide human again by setting you on the righteous path of parenting less and living more.